I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
