apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He? As in you personified your dick?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize
