My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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