he was CRYING into my vagina
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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