I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
