she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
