Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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