the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
