Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
