i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
