Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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