Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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