The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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