I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize