Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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