she woke up with a sticky ear
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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