Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
