i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
