1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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