I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
