I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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