is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
