note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i've created a new STD.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
