No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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