My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
