Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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