i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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