I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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