I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
