Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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