No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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