Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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