Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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