It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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