found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My penis needs a shock collar
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
