I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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