I am spending my child support on dildos
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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