She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
