I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
