Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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