remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
