I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
