Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
That's when you crack a 10am beer
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up under a house in Key West
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
