dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
