I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
