Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
