Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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