i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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