We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
