At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
