Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
