I just saw a hot homeless man
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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