apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
