i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
the raccoons are back...
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