What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
