i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
