On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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