When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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