I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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