Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
