My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
