It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
