i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize