then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
