I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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