its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
