Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
