I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize