Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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